So, over the last year I’ve ended a relationship and moved into my own place, by myself, for the first time in my life at the age of 36.

It’s given me a lot of time to reflect on my past and who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

First let me say that there’s a few bright spots in my life, I have two friends whose company I enjoy a great deal and I’m working with a new shakespearean theatre company which is challenging and somewhat fulfilling.

Now, these are the things I’ve come to realize  over the last few months.

I have wasted most of my life. I’ve made extremely bad decisions that have led me to a place where the dreams in my life are pretty much destroyed. I am 100% to blame for this.

I’ve discovered that, all my life, I’ve appropriated the dreams of people I admire and wish I was more like instead of focusing on my own because of a lack of faith in myself. Even this blog and my previous blog, Bear In A Box, were created because I thought that Joe.My.God’s blog was so amazing and I wanted to be as popular as he was, to have my voice be heard. I’m doing it now with my two best friends who are professional cos players and I see how others react to them and I want to be viewed that way too but that’s they’re fun and they’re dreams, not really mine.

I do this because I’ve basically killed all my dreams. I wanted to be a singer and musical theatre actor, it was my passion. Instead, I’m an accountant for an entertainment payroll company and I hate my job, less than others I’ve had, but this is never where I thought I’d be. I listened to selfish lovers who told me I couldn’t be an actor or singer and that I should be something else and followed them across the country to do so like a complete moron, being a selfish bastard myself who discarded friends like they were useless tchotkes I no longer wanted.

I struggle with my weight and my looks daily. I feel completely unattractive and have no interest in going out because of the way I feel, the only friends I hang out with now are straight so I don’t have to be put into a situation where I might be expected to “meet someone”.

If you’ve gotten this far I apologize for being a downer, this is my carthasis though so thanks for going through it with me.

Sadly I don’t think my life will ever be what it could have been in my 20′s had a made better decisions (and yes, I realize probably 99% of the human race say that!), but the sad part is I think I was really talented at one point, I had a voice that brought people happiness and now I think that, especially in Los Angeles, at 36 I’m too old to be taken seriously. But what’s worse, and what scares me the most, is the realization that I don’t value my life. I have no self respect and often go through extreme bouts of depression, I don’t cope well with life and I realistically don’t see that improving in the future.

That all being said I think it’s time to put this blog officially to rest. Trying to live other peoples dreams, I’ve discovered, is never a good idea. Thanks to all those out there who gave me words of encouragement, read my words, heard me sing, saw me perform and maybe even at one time believed in me, I’m sorry I let you down and didn’t give you more.

Usually getting these emotions out, whether people read them or not, makes me feel better, it didn’t work this time, I wish it had.

Perhaps in my solitude hear in North Hollywood, CA I’ll come to terms with where I’ve been, who I am, and finally, learn how to move on.

Now, I’m not against themed events, but really if you’re going to do them, do them right… this was so wrong, in so many ways.

The plan was that the “Bride” and “Groom” would be dressed as Hobbits and would have a ceremony officiated by Gandalf the Grey, but sure enough it must have been his day off because as soon as we walked in we noticed our friend who was the lucky bastard to be asked to “marry” them was dressed in plain brown robes and, sure enough, wasn’t Gandalf the Grey… you guessed it, he was Radagast the Brown… ok, maybe you didn’t guess it, but if you’ve read the books and know them well, he’s a wizard much like Gandalf, though he liked plants and animals far better than people.

So the indoor Hobbit themed “wedding” took place rather quickly (thankfully) and the rest of the festivities permitted… the festivities of GUESTS playing music, english country dancing and showing off god awful renditions of middle earth clothing that resembled renaissance faire peasant costumes… oh, wait, they WERE renaissance faire peasant costumes… with pointy ears, was the entire entertainment of the day.

The buffet consisted of a large tray of spiced cupcakes with a vat of cream cheese icing to slather on… which were actually quite delicious I did have one of those… and a couple of other small plates of deserts and that was it.

We left shortly after. This odd concoction of misfits of middle-earth and a sad, sad homage to a comic-con hotel party gone awry was so completely done we had to go get a drink… a big one!

Then the truth came out at dinner with our other friends who’d attended today’s “wedding”. The “bride” and “groom” were not yet divorced from their previous spouses and they were living with the “groom’s” current/future-ex wife.

WTF!! Seriously!?!

We’re all pretty sure they just wanted the “wedding” gifts. I can’t tell you how hard we laughed during our two-hour dinner, hysterical fits of rolling, peeling laughter. THAT was all worth it.

Conning your friends into giving you food, entertainment and “wedding” photos – Free.

Wearing no shoes and fake hair on your feet for a sham to get people to give you gifts because you’re both still married to other people and are so selfish you can’t wait to have a real wedding…. priceless.

I missed blogging, and I’m not sure anyone out there will even pay attention to this but hey, this has always been a haven for me. I realize there’s a trillion other blogs out there now but, meh. They’re for ourselves anyway when you get to the root of it right?

First, updates.

Work – I got that promotion to payroll coordinator after all and I’m still doing the job, it sucks the juices of my soul on a daily basis, but I’m still doing it and I’ve gotten two large raises over the last year and I’m up for another in February so I must be doing something right even though I’ve gained forty pounds… I might be fat, honey, but I ain’t sassy, and I need that to reverse itself you know what I’m saying? Two words for me in my very near future… Gym Membership!

Relationships – Single… again. Living in L.A. with my brand new ex – more on that later.

When last we saw our intrepid romanticist he was dreaming of a fella in San Francisco. I surprised him on the opening night of the play he was performing at the time and when I arrived it was love at first sig…. oh, wait, no, it wasn’t. It was more like “Oh, hi, this is what you look like in person… yeah, ummm… sorry, not so much into you really, you can go home now.” which sucked, but it was the weekend of Gay Pride in the city by the bay so I drowned my sorrow in a couple of beers and a sea of men, where I met an extraordinary bloke who took me to dinner, showed me the sights’ of San Francisco, kissed me passionately on the docks looking out into the ocean… and then never called… but we’ll always have Alcatraz… 

Flash forward a month later and I’m making out with a guy in a slightly sleezy bar wearing a kilt, I make a date with him and we spend the next two years together… until last Wednesday when he tells me that he’s never really been that attracted to me but he “still wants to be friends”….. really…. he said that.

So while I’m gagging on the bile and swallowing the bitterness over this situation I realized something, after 35 years on this planet.

God I’m old… no, wait, that wasn’t it!

It’s time to stop being fates bitch and make my own way in the world, I feel like singing “Rose’s Turn” like drop kicking people into a pit like Gerard Butler in “300″ (ok, most of them ex’s, but anyway), like putting on a deep purple/black glittering frock, painting myself green and start “Defying Gravity” baby.

After all, Sondheim’s folks in “Merrily We Roll Along” sang “It’s Our Time” and look how fabulous they all turned out!

Oh… wait….

Anyway, more later, I’ve only just begun to blog!

Again!

First of all, let’s talk about Disney. Truth be told I helped Disney set me up to fire me. There were a couple of days where my depression got the better of me and I didn’t go into work on a Saturday when I was asked to, and I forgot to take my time out of our database because, well, I simply didn’t care if they paid me or not for it. When they did, I just shrugged and said “they don’t care, it’s Disney” I only did this twice though. Once was to meet up with Glenn, the guy who dumped me twice (before he dumped me either time). So yeah, I shot myself in the foot at Disney. Funny thing is I worked for them again as a temp, so I know they’d hire me back. And as for my position? Well, they absorbed it, so apparently they were looking for excuses to let me go, and I gave it to them.

Speaking of Glenn, the guy who dumped me twice, it turns out that his good friend JR, who got me a job at a payroll company for the industry where he works, finally confessed to me after almost a year working there that Glenn is indeed still pretty much in love with his ex whom he shares a house with. I wish Glenn the best, I really do. He’s a good man stuck on a love that was never meant to be.  Which, sadly, makes me pity him just a little.

Speaking of pity! HAH! Thank you to all of my blogger friends out there who took pity on me when I was in the bowels of my own personal hell. I thank you for your love and support and hope that someday I will be able to thank each of you and return the favor in some way!

Speaking of me, and who doesn’t LOVE that subject!, I’m still working for the payroll company. I’m coming upon my year anniversary on July 9th which means a raise, a buck more an hour, and I’m up for a promotion to payroll coordinator! So business is good!

I’m dating again, a few great guys actually. Making new friends and looking forward to the future. The most exciting possibility is a wonderful guy I’m going to visit at the end of the month in San Francisco. He has my attention that’s for sure. A 5th grade school teacher who runs a kids theatre camp in the summers (they’re starting today in fact!). He’s gorgeous, he’s so much fun to talk to and I can’t wait to meet him. Yes, that’s right, we’ve been talking every day for nearly a month, and though we have webcammed, it is a strange way to hold a relationship, I agree.

But who knows, I think I might just love San Fran so much a move might be in my future. I’d thought about it long before I met him, he just helped put the icing on the cake of reasons why! Oh, and the best part, he’s older than me! He’s not 30 years older like Lyle, or 26 years older like Glenn, not even 20 years older like John! He’ll be turning 34 tomorrow. I turned 33 in April. I can’t believe I’m so hot for a guy my own age! It’s crazy! Ok, so it’s crazy for me, it’s normal for everyone else out there!

So if you haven’t figured it out from reading this post I’m done with the existential bullshit about crossing bridges and cities of dreams… hmmmm… that sounds an awful lot like San Francisco doesn’t it… maybe I’m not as done as I thought… time will tell…

Doubts about myself, about where I am and the path I’m on, and though the narrow beam I walk has no guardrails or rope support, a rotting tree across a giant ravine, I keep my balance and slowly walk its length knowing that eventually I will see the other side. This is a dark path, yes, but a necessary one to see the lights of the city where my dreams now live, waiting for me to come home to them.

Though I find myself frustrated and angry, with decisions I’ve made and those that have been made for me, I see that the only way for me to break this cycle is to fix the problems created by those decisions, and when all is done to move on, reborn from the ashes.

“At last, my arm is complete again!”

The fear has subsided, the longing has left, and there is only a sense of being comfortably numb. I’ve no desires to pursue; no thoughts of future days but of those that see my universe grow dark. I’m spiraling in place; a statue caught in a vortex, the only place to go is down.

Going through the motions every day somehow hoping that my world will come to an end and that I’ll get a second chance to chase the stars in another lifetime is all the dreams I am left with, the others crushed between time and disappointment, folly and heartache.

Please gods, let me keep moving on, let me start being alive again, help me find the spark to ignite, the tail to swim away with, the stars to ride the cosmos; help me dream again, I’m so lost without my dreams.

My not really but kind of sort of ex, the unrequited love of my life, is off on a field trip with a thousand Bears while I sit and stare at streaming episodes of Doctor Who and play video games on my computer all weekend. I can’t help but think this is all there is. I feel too old and fat to ever do anything with my voice, especially in Hollywood the land of the pretty plastic people, and too depressed and alone to want to even try to make it to a local bar where I can sit in the corner staring at and drinking with all the other depressed, lonely, fat and old gay people in my neighborhood.

My wants don’t really seem to matter at the present because my needs, including food, don’t really seem to matter either. I’m fatigued and weary. Sad without being angry, which is far worse than the angry sorrow I used to feel, two emotions for the price of one seems to be a long forgotten bargain these days.

I look forward to the respite of work but even there what should have been a minor drama has caused a rift between friends of one person, that would be me, and everyone else that seems to have forced me into a corner for being friendly to the wrong person, yes, I work with 12, sorry, 21 year olds. No good deed goes unpunished indeed, but that’s another song and another story.

I just want this dull ache to end, for life to return to a more normal state, I know intellectually that it will happen in time, but in my heart time stands still and I float in the deep, waiting for contact. Just like everyone else.

I know I’m not honest with my needs because I believe, however true or false, that I don’t deserve to have my wants, which are actually needs that I deny myself. This is why I’m miserable.

Funny thing about losing my job, when the unemployment insurance ran out after six months and I couldn’t find a job, not even a temp job, to save my life, and I mean that literally, being nearly homeless and suicidal might very well be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I’ve got a wonderful job now, even if I make a few thousand less a year than I did, the opportunities here are greater and the atmosphere much more pleasant.

I find myself moving things around on my “needs and wants” list, and yes, I actually have one.

First up on the list, and only because it’s something I can do immediately, is my own apartment. I need to live by myself now, this is no longer a want it’s a need for my sanity and survival, and it’s also something I’ve never done before.

Second on the list is to get back to my art, my writing outside of ‘moving on’ and my music, again this had become a want, it is now a desperate need to use my gifts, for the reasons they were given to me.

For my heart to mend itself from the hurt of the last five years this is my biggest need, beyond food and shelter, health and money, this is my greatest need, to find a way to sing. That’s how important it is to me, or how important it used to be, I want that, no, need that back more than anything.

So yes, it needs work, time to roll up those sleeves.

We’ve remained friends, though that took a little time to adjust to, we’ve also remained intimate which is probably a mistake as it’s still confusing as to where the boundaries are. I use him to feel. To fool myself into believing, if just for a few moments, that I am wanted.

I’m not sure what he gets out of this in the end, whether he feels guilty for breaking my heart, which in perspective wasn’t his fault at all as his feelings for me are as uncontrollable as mine are for him, so he allows me this ‘bonus’ time with him, whether he needs an intimate friend with whom he doesn’t have to think about the future with, or if he views me more as a puppy, devoted and pitiable.

My shattered heart was certainly not his fault; the cracks had been made over the years, each one deeper and more intrusive, I’m not much of one to make regular doctor appointments so it shouldn’t be too surprising that I never took the time to heal from relationships ending before dragging myself into the next sure-to-fail relationship.

The prospect of moving on from the abusive men, the manipulative men, the child-men of my past was always somewhat easy, there was always some blame to give to the reasons why it never worked out, I was always loved in some way, twisted or true, but never was a relationship truly healthy; and only two held any real sense of caring and hope, at least from my end.

My first partner was an incredible man, to this day a little of me loves him very much. He left me in Chicago so as to get joint custody of his two sons so he could be a part of their lives, how can I blame this man for making that choice, I had been in his life for eight months, who knew where we were going together, but his children without their father would have been a tragedy.

And then there is this unrequited love. I would rather have him hit me and love me than never love me at all. That will surprise some people, but I’ve been through the hitting, the emotional abuse, and for me, the pain was much less than this, it healed faster too.

Of course, if he had been that man I never would have fallen in love with him to begin with.

Am I in love with him now? Yes, part of me at least, not like it used to be. The prospect of moving on frightens me and makes me feel like my body is turning inside out, the sadness of wanting to be loved and knowing there’s no one who does, especially him, is overwhelming, and while strangers and friends who read my words and hear my voice may claim that I am cared for I do not doubt this.

I’m very guilty of this little paradigm I’ve made for myself, a roller coaster of grand delusions and self loathing.

I’ll start with believing that somehow I was put on this earth to change the course of the world in some way, a few years go by and my path is set, though muddled and murky most of the time, it’s one I can navigate.

Then the path leads into the woods, visible but turning every few feet behind the nearest tree, eventually that path starts to dwindle, it breaks and I have to search for where to pick it up, I always seem to find the trail again until at some point, in the heart of the woods as the orange glow of sunset casts its long shadows the path seems to disappear, I decide to wait there in this place until morning, but when it comes the path is gone, the path forward and the path behind, I’ve lost my way.

I wait in shadows and light, the warmth of day and the edge of night as the cold blankets the ground and the fear is a constant pounding in my chest. The ringing of silence in my ears as I sit with my knees to my chest as the tears and pain roll down my cheeks and soak into my clothes and skin. When the dawn comes I walk in circles, unsure of where I’m supposed to be anymore, who I am, what I was meant to do.

At some point, I give up, I sit and wait for the earth to consume me, the dry leaves underneath me prick and itch and I long for a quiet dark that never ends. It doesn’t come by itself unfortunately, and I’m too afraid of the pain stepping into the abyss will cause, and I’m too overwhelmed by the pain of being lost that I sit and wait for change.

The forest I’ve found myself living in is Los Angeles, and I pray to a nameless god that someone will find me here.

At some point the trees will start to move, a new path will be shown and I will start the journey out, hoping that I’ll never face that kind of a journey again, but always afraid I will, and always feeling the heart of the forest with me, calling me to the abyss, its true what they say.

It stares back.